Why Root is so Fat
by iridedragons4sport
Summary: PG13 to be safe. Ever wonder why Root looks like a midget sumo? Wonder no more!
1. Green Boogers

**Why Root is so Fat**

**A Report by J. Cumulus**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**A/N: First fic. Well actually, I had another AF fic before, but then it get banned for swearing at a flamer, and all my 72 good reviews gone!**

**LEP Training Facility, 1526 A.D.**

Cadet Julius Root kicked the rubber dummy in the groin. Bad move.

            "D'arvit!" roared Root, hopping around on one foot swearing. Unfortunately for him, the Commander Panix had decided to put in metal groin protectors on the dummies to encourage the trainees to play fair. Grumbling, Root set off to the firing range.

            Upon arrival, he expertly and macho-ly picked up a Sig Sauer. Top of the line technology these days, no more arrows for him. The Mud Men still used arrows. Root sighed. _Barbarians. _Taking careful aim, he emptied the entire clip into the virtual face of King Arthur. His damn magic nearly cost Root his career. Seven other fairies plugged away at various targets, mainly Lancelot and Merlin. Among the cadets were Briar Cudgeon and Nate Eregon. Cudgeon's aim was near perfect, his Sig Sauer blowing holes through a holo of Lancelot.

            Suddenly, the ground shook. Cudgeon slipped and nearly gave Nate a second butt h.... butt.... yeah.

            "What the hell?!" exclaimed Nate as blue sparks played over his cheeks. Not the cheeks near his nose, mind you. Peering out the window, Cudgeon chuckled. Goblins.

            Wouldn't you know it, the most stupid creatures on the planet

attacking a LEP training facility. According to Eoin Colfer, "Two and two makes four." Couldn't have put it better myself.

            Corporal Gaxta led his ragtag militia to the door. Wielding his musket by the barrel, he tapped the wood.

            Root opened the door.

            "What up, homie??" asked Root, before impaling the slimy green booger with a fork. Delighted, the rest of the goblins fought over the fork, which in turn enabled them to dig deep into the delicacy of Gaxta's cranium. Eww.

            Upon finishing their treat, they looked up to find 50-something LEP cadets wielding giant handguns and rifles. Root, deciding against casualties, rushed up to the remaining goblins and rendered them unconscious with the butt of his handgun. Cudgeon had different philosophies. He quickly fired 7 shots into the goblins. One hit Root in the stomach.

            Now I know in the first book Foaly says that if an fairy were to be hit with a Devastator Slug, they would be helpless. But keep in mind this is the 1500's, and even though fairy technology far surpassed the humans', the Devastator Slug failed to kill Root. At least not yet. He would have some stomach problems later, but for now he was ok.

            Providing he had medical attention. His healing powers were only so limited since he was an untrained idiot. The sparks replaced lost blood, but the slug still remained lodged in his stomach.

            A warlock appeared. "D'arvit, get out of the way!!" He quickly stripped off his gloves and laid them on Root's chest. "Heal," he breathed, and let the magic scurry from his fingers.

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Root awoke in a hospital bed. His first thought was, "Dammit that hurts!" and his second was, "I'm hungry."

            When he was healed, the Slug was removed, but to replace the stomach lining of the hole it had made, the magic expanded the stomach, taking lining from other parts. The result was a larger stomach with a thinner lining.

            Root hurried to the hospital cafeteria. After showing the lunch lady person his clearance for free food (his Sig Sauer), he helped himself to microwaved fried chicken and something that resembled mashed potatoes. God knows what it really was.

Need ideas for chapter 2, please review.


	2. Madam

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Mage Kitty: Yay! I got a review!!! Hey remember me? I was psychodude! and my story got banned for swearing at Sashka!

**Cedar Hospital, Downtown Haven**

Root was still feeling hungry after his first serving. So, to ease his gluttony, he strode up to the counter. "Two slices of meat-lover's, please." The young lady at the counter handed him 3 slices, noticing the gun at Root's side.

            He settled into his chair and quickly devoured all three slices. Belching, he got up and stuck his mouth under the soda dispenser. The manager approached him, only to be sprayed with a mouthful of Cherry Coke. The manager quit on the spot.

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            Root proceeded to eat compulsively over the years. With his enlarged stomach, he could cram more and more in, eventually breaking the record of most hot dogs eaten in 5 minutes. (56 was the record. Root beat it by 12)

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**LEP HQ, Downtown Haven**

            Newly-appointed Commander Root crammed a handful of peppered squid jerky into his mouth. He chewed. And chewed. And chewed..................................

...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**BLEAAAARGH**

"You ok?" questioned Nate.

"Hic. Madam, I may be drunk, but **BLLEEEEEAAAAARGH**," exclaimed Root. Nate glanced at Foaly, who was holding up a bag of "Turkey Jerky", which was really an invention by Foaly. Once chewed down to the center, a harmless drug was released. The drug did nothing permanent, but gave the consumer the feeling of being drunk.

            "Scuse me ma'am, but although I am Richard Nixon, and I like pina coladas **HUUURRBLLEAAAAARGH!!!**"

Foaly realized his invention wasn't going so well. Sinking into a personal fantasy, he switched on his walkie-talkie and channeled in on the sick bay. "Captain Kirk to sick bay, come in sick bay."

            "Sick bay to dorky centaur, what is your problem?" came the sarcastic reply of the medic warlock.

            "Root his blowing his cookies all over the floor, I think he might need to pay you a visit. Kirk over."

            The conversation went on for some time, all the while Foaly pretending to be Kirk. Finally the paramedics arrived. They strapped Root onto the stretcher and hurried him away.

A/N: ok that sucked, but what the hell, eh? r/r plz.


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